Why do I place Anne first? Because Anne hones in on the hard stuff. Pema does too, but she's a 79 year-old Buddhist nun who doesn't have many flaws left to unfurl. That's not saying that she didn't have them at some point, but she lives as a nun now, often in silent meditation away from the world. She's not like the average human being bumping into the harsh realities of secular life the way the rest of us are. As I think about it though, my first introduction to Pema was reading her book When Things Fall Apart eight years ago as a recently divorced and subsequently single mom. Pema wasn't always calm and non-reactive, as I learned when she described going from neighbor to neighbor after her husband left her, wildly swinging a frying pan, questioning why bad things happened. She is known to have exhibited some lunacy. And so have I.
A friend sent me a recent interview with Anne Lamott who said, "Earth is forgiveness school. I believe that's why they brought us here, then left us without any owner's manual. I think we're here to learn forgiveness" When I read those words, I felt a chill run through my veins. I felt the energy move from the soles of my feet to the crown of my head, a wave of prana moving through my body though I wasn't in a yoga pose. As we near the end of 2014, I've begun to think about a ritual I've done with a group of friends each year in the past.
Before I continue, I want to stop and share my gratitude for this wonderful group, Jeanine, Carolyn, Melissa, Mary, and Emily. We disbanded only because our schedules made it impossible to meet, as we've all gone back to school or work of some type or other, but as I say this, I predict we'll find a time to meet, at least once a month. More than a few years ago we came together to read Eckert Tolle's Practicing the Power of Now. We'd have lunch on Friday afternoons and read the book out loud as we all learned about meditation, presence and the Power of Now. This group changed my life because I learned the discipline of the practice that can only happen if we practice. We can know about meditation and mindfulness. We can understand the concepts of presence and being here now, but it's the experiential that teaches us. We went on to read a different book each year. Books that taught us a practice, and Sarah Susanka's "Year End Ritual" from The Not So Big Life asks one to consider all types of questions about the year with the goal of setting intentions that become a direction for the next year.
So why did my veins run cold? I've been focused on 2015. I know that 2015 is the year of ABC Legacy, my fledgling new endeavor to create the In the Gap program for those who have deferred college or are taking a break from formal studies in college. I have a blog entry ABC Legacy 2015. I see 2015. I'm excited about 2015. I know I won't be traveling to California as much because I'll be working here, but I plan to be a teaching fellow in Johannesburg at the African Leadership Academy the summer of 2015. I could go on about 2015, but in reading Anne's words, I realized that I haven't been practicing the power of now. I have been in the future, excitedly in the future, but as the year begins to close, I need to come back to 2014. My year of forgiveness.
Anne says, "Forgiveness has become a pursuit more important to me than almost anything Because as I said in an old book, it's not my strong suit. I always joke that I wasn't one of those Christians who was heavily into forgiveness - that I was the other kind; that I was reform. But it's so awful to be a person who doesn't forgive; in my experience the willingness to change down deep always comes from the pain of not changing."
I need to repeat this last line: "But it's so awful to be a person who doesn't forgive; in my experience the willingness to change down deep always comes from the pain of not changing." Most of us have something in our lives, something that we feel is "unforgivable," but I've learned, now, that everything is forgivable. It has to be because energy needs to flow through us, unobstructed, and it is our work to loosen those obstacles until we can breathe them free.
Forgiveness in 2014 did not come easily, and I attacked the unforgivable as an emotional cancer. I meditated on forgiveness, almost obsessively. I went to some amazing intuitive healers: Marie Cornelia, Linda Manning, Lisa Campion, Jocelyn, Laura Graye, and Maria Skinner who explained things from an astrological viewpoint. Why did I meet with them? I wanted to forgive and during a retreat in Esalen in Big Sur, CA on October 16, 2014, I forgave, which opened the door to forgiving myself, which was harder, but necessary.
Why was it mandatory, in my mind, to forgive? I wanted to feel better, freer, clearer and more loving. I want to live an authentic life, in integrity, and stuck energy like the inability to forgive keeps us from living that life. I had a practical reason, too. I want to bring ABC Legacy to the world in 2015. Some say my long term plans are a bit grandiose, but I like to dream big. I envision In the Gap programs all over the world, housed in innovation centers like Wheelhouse and the Bradford Mill Community, where teens and 20s in every country learn that they can have a positive impact on their world, to have opportunities to work with mentors, people in all types of careers who speak of their passions either in their work, their service, or both. People who have, as I say quite frequently in Howard Thurman's words, "People who have come alive."
But I can't do this alone, and I can't do it with bitterness or anger lingering within an unforgiving heart. Not just for ABC Legacy, but for every aspect of my daughters' and my lives. I want to be able to authentically live Gandhi's words. I want to be the change, and my dream to "be the change" can only happen with a forgiveness that becomes a daily practice.
Forgiveness changed my life, and it wasn't until reading Anne's words in this article today that I realized just how much. Like the story about the Buddha, I used to hold a hot coal in my hand, burning myself, rather than forgiving and letting it go. By forgiving, I let go of that hot coal, and now have both hands open and free to write, practice yoga, collaborate with the younger generations and serve the world.
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